PAINTED PAIN

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 I've been dependent on music for as long as I can remember. Music has been the one thing that holds me down and brings out the child in me, allowing me to see life as I did when I was a child.

I grew up jamming to the music that played on the radio in my father's kiosk. I even danced in neighborhood competitions because my cousin would bet on me to beat the other kids.

Some jams hit me so hard that I shout the lyrics out, while others make me go crazy with excitement. So, when I grew up and started fighting and being whipped by life, I turned to music. This time, I didn't listen to it jumping and falling while showing a new dance style. I listened to it to nod along and remind myself that I wasn't the first to get this lashing from life.

In 2020, after a huge loss, I listened to Rachel Platten’s "Fight Song" from dawn to dusk. Every day, I whimpered, "Prove I'm alright song, this is my fight song, take back my life song," even though I felt more messed up than a madman's hair. That year, I wrote the longest story you'd ever see on my FB profile, titled "My 18th Year, My Worst Year.”

I understood then why my father played those reggae tunes early in the morning. I play them now, too, to get me through the pain. Bob Marley and Lucky Dube get me through the day, and Enya gives me a good night's rest.

Recently, I traveled to Ho. Every time I pass the hospital, I tend to have this inner joy and admiration for the colorful artworks displayed on the street. They made me smile sometimes just trying to get the
actual images in the painting.

When I got back, I decided to paint my pain instead of soaking my pillow with tears. I realized the joy those catchy paintings brought could be something I wake up to every morning. Creating them myself would add some experience and depth to that joy.

Just like the music, I have some great joy mixing the colors and painting. It refreshing to know I can have my pain painted. The first thing I did was the ocean because that's one place I find peace.

My mantra for my rebirth journey is "Don't let the pain deal with you, deal with the pain.”

You can choose how to deal with your pain. I write, and now I paint. It helps with my anxiety and wandering mind as well. If there's anything I can tell you today, and it's from the deepest part of me to you my dearest, it's to deal with the pain rather than letting the pain deal with you.