DEAR OSA

 Dear Osa,

I woke up today trying to find another piece of my missing self, and you were all I could think of. Since the 25th of April, I’ve dedicated every Thursday to adding a piece to the puzzle.

Today I’m here, wondering if I would have ended up differently if you were still alive. My inner voice answers, “Of course, I would have.” Even that little voice knows the impact you had and the one you would have continued to have if you were here.

Over the years, I’ve lost myself. In fact let me say over the years since your death, I can’t even remember the last time I placed 5th or 3rd in class, let alone 2nd. The last time I recall is the first term of JHS1, when I came 3rd. Even then, I was on probation. My positions have ranged between 11th and 20th, until the worst happened in the 3rd term of class six, and my dad lost it.

Your boys, however, continued their pace, always making 1st and 2nd. They even had the same grades when they completed JHS. FEE earned an award for being the best student in Geography in form one and graduated as the best student in Economics at the university.

 FAA has also finished engineering school and is still hard working just like he used to, never stopping his learning. Over the years, he has become more welcoming, though he’s still an introvert. Your boarding house helped with his extreme introversion.

Your “soja” man hasn’t stopped vibing like he used to. He’s out here living his lively "yoo yoo" life, doing very well, and helping in taking care of me. Though we don’t get along as we used to, I’m not sure if it’s growth or circumstances that have spoiled the bond.

They are doing fine, except for me. I’m here, trying to piece together the puzzle of my life. Surprising, right? But that’s my reality. I’ve had teachers complain about me, and even your younger brother was surprised at how bad I was getting academically. Others compared me to the boys and wondered why I couldn’t be like them.

I’ve also had colleagues compare me to the boys, but there was only so much I could handle at that age, and I had no one to talk to. I miss every part of you. Your death broke me; it destroyed who I was meant to be. There is no motivation now. You were the reason I worked hard. I remember the joy you had talking about how smart I was.

That gave me a reason to work hard, it made me believe in myself. But now I don't. I’ve tried working hard, but my efforts aren't appreciated enough. However, when I fail, I get crucified. My world stops because they only notice the failure. I grew up used to being patted on the back for my effort and given the chance to continue. You made it so.

You gave me reasons to try again and believe me when I say you’re part of the reason I'm still trying. To be honest, I’ve given up several times, but the universe keeps bringing people who believe in me and push me.

Surprisingly, there's this young man, visionary and vibrant like you. He believes in me and accepts me even when I fail, then gives me a reason to try again. It just dawned on me—were you the one who sent him my way? I see you in him because I’m always afraid for his life, especially with how vocal he is about politics. He’s also a third force. His name is Stanley.

I know I’ve told you how badly I’ve been doing academically and with my emotional and mental health, but I’m not that bad with the English language. I remember how proud you always were whenever I spoke English, the joy you had when I said, “Sir, please my shoe escatter.” Though it was wrong, you appreciated my effort. That appreciation and joy haven’t left me; it feels like a part of me that never dies.

Even in secondary school, my literature teacher believed in me so much that he was ready to bet 200.0 on me getting an A. I didn’t, and I’ve been dodging him ever since. Lol. (By the way, "lol" stands for "laugh out loud" now. I don't know if you are updated there) I’m not where I wanted to be at this age but I'm not where I was and I know you will say that's okay but it's not for me because I'm lost.

One thing that hasn’t changed is the joy I bring to people. Many have told me how my smile is warm and my happiness infectious. They say they get happy even when they are sad. I still smile and wave at people I know in their cars, just like I used to with you when you were leaving. Mr. and Mrs. Flovi still call me "Mrs. OSA." They remember the bond you had with my family, just like your younger brother, though we don't share that same bond now.

I know this may break you more, but I don’t read anymore. I find it difficult, and I even have to beg a friend to check on my reading. I have to get that back. I know how much you loved that I loved reading—it made me smart, even as a child. But I can't even remember the last time I stepped foot in the library. 

I wonder if you would still love me now that I’ve lost all that. But, My inner voice says I wouldn’t have lost it if you were here. And I think I’ve found the missing piece. Things aren’t worse yet like I’ve been thinking; I’m just not intrinsically motivated. I’m extrinsically motivated, and you did that. You motivated me. You rewarded me with snacks you sent home, believed in me, appreciated my efforts, and gave me reasons to try again. I’ve lost that, and it feels like a piece of me went with you.

I miss you, Osa. If you can, please visit me. I know it’s been over a decade, but I need you. I want to ask if you think I’m gifted for some reason. Can you come and give me a reason, or send someone, or perhaps tell God to push me?

I'm bringing joy to people but drowning in sadness and can't stop overthinking.

I loved how you cared for me, I loved how you sang my praise to everybody.  I was a child but the memories are growing with me. That motivation is gone, and so is the smart girl you know, the hardworking girl. She doesn't have a reason to try again. I need you❤️.

If there was a stairway to Heaven, I would've come to hug you So you carry me on your shoulders like you used to though I'm a big girl now.

I hope to see you there if my time is up here, and if I ever make it in Life, I will bring the life and give the life to the kids in the rural areas like you wanted.  I grew up being kind even amidst all these because the seed of kindness y'all planted fortunately didn't die. I always tell people, the reason I'm here is because people believe in me. But I'm here to officially inform them, that the reason my life started good was because you came into my life and believed in giving me a better future.

We talk about you anytime you come to mind. And my mum always says, I wouldn't be like this if you were alive. She says "There's no way Osa will see his Doe like this". And she will add "Tsoo, Osa fe Doe, Mavis aaahhh", Ekue wonu vinyea nam".

Death has indeed robbed me, maybe that's why he never came for me when I summoned him. I miss you. I really do.

Sending you flowers and hugs. “7 stone” for you and I miss the fragrance and the sweet scent of it that lingers whenever you pass. 

I miss you.  

Missing you

Mavis.